Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Check Your Fluids

Late last night Eric and I arrived at the Griffin Ranch in Lindale, Texas, after two days of traveling. We were pretty exhausted and all of our toiletries and gadgets were packed away in our luggage. After digging out my toothbrush and face soap in preparation for the nightly ritual of teeth brushing and face washing, I crawled into bed in my parents’ guest room and fell sound asleep. I awoke this morning with one of those “OMG (gasp)! I-know-I-forgot-to-do-something” feelings. Can you imagine my look of disappointment when I discovered I had forgotten to strap on my Ov Watch?

Upon removing the watch from its container, the words, “OV Day 1” shouted out from the display. Hmm… How does it know? Does it have ESP? Could it read my body chemistry from across the room, inside the plastic case in the overnight bag? Is it just a glorified cycle calendar counter? Or is it a useless piece of crap? Questions flooded my one track baby making mind. Nevertheless, there it was in big, fat digital letters. I could sit there, continuing to silently interrogate an inanimate object or simply accept the message as an opportunity.

Note: Squeamish, prudish or ultra-conservative readers who are uninterested in the physical attributes of various bodily fluids may stop reading here and pick this blog up again with tomorrow’s post because it’s about to get “juicy”(I know you’re probably going to keep on reading, but hey, can’t say I didn’t warn you).

Riddle me this, Batman-- What’s clear and stretchy and slippery all over? Cervical mucus (WHAM!).

Despite my revulsion at the term, “mucus”, this slimy goo is actually one of the best ways to determine ovulation. It must be in the category of “undiscussables,” like that “not-so-fresh-feeling” the girl from the ‘80s Massengill Douche commercial lamented about to her mother. No one ever chatted me up about cervical mucus (puts the word secret in this secretion). I had to learn about it on my own, at the ripe old age of 34, from the world wide web (Thanks, Al Gore).

At peak fertility, cervical mucus resembles the consistency of raw egg white and is pliable enough to be stretched about an inch or two between the thumb and forefinger. This viscous nectar provides a hospitable environment for the sperm on their race to reach the egg.

Good thing I learned about this method of detection on the internet, as it confirmed the message displayed on my Ov Watch, even though I had forgotten to wear it. So, we strayed from our every-other-day-baby-dance plan to take full advantage of the moment. If you made it this far, sprinkle some baby dust our way!


  1. I should have stopped reading when warned...it's not that it's a secret, it's just not something you usually bring up with the nachos at Glorias. "Please pass the chips, and BTW, my bodily mucus is pliable enough to stretch across this plate....anyone else have this problem?"

    See, this conversation doesn't work at Glorias.

  2. No, not at Glorias. Maybe Chuys. Over margaritas.